James Brown. Bruno Mars. and now Sweater Mom! This woman is a god damn electric factory. She is unfiltered, unabridged, and unrelenting momness at its finest. Mom’s don’t give a shit what you think. When there jam is on, they cut a motherlovin’ rug. She can not be stopped. I wonder how the Warriors felt playing second fiddle on the basketball court for once. This woman went on a solo mission to revolutionize dancing as we know it. Just watch as she navigates the physical electricity through her knees and back into the air with the grace of a white-tailed deer prancing through a wooded glen on a misty morning in the heart of fall. This is some of the greatest hand work since Voguing.
Voguing is so 2016. It’s time to revolutionize the game and ring in the new year with some certifiably mom approved moves like this. Also, whatever bullshit “cross-hands, cross-hands knee up, air punches” that these kids are doing these days, you know the same bullshit every single person to ever catch a Touchdown this year is doing, is absolute trash. I need a scrappy ass, gritty as hell, high-motor gym rat (*COUGH* White guy *COUGH*) to knock this jig out after catching a go ahead touchdown. PR PRO-TIP for Riley Cooper, if you ever get another shot in the NFL and want everyone to forget that whole “I will fight every N**ger here (and by HERE he means this Kenny Chesney Concert)” thing, knock out a “Sweater Mom Shuffle (trademark pending)” out in a preseason game and you’re as good as gold in the eyes of the media.
Look at me getting all sidetracked day dreaming of seeing a pro athlete knock out this bad boy and absolutely set the internet on fire with the burning intensity of a thousand suns!!! What can I do to champion Sweater Mom’s cause? I hereby vow to devote myself to the Sweater Mom Shuffle style. I’ll be the Napoleon Dynamite to Sweater Mom’s “Canned Heat”. I am officially the number one apostle of the First Church of the Sweater Mom.
Greatest in arena performance since her son, the nerdy ass Boston Celtics fan absolutely murdered “living on a prayer”.